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1. When the hospital nurse asked me if my bowels had moved, I assured her that they had come with me as I headed to the toilet. 2.1 stars
2. With all the concern about plastic waste these days, it is easy to see why clingfilm gets such a bad wrap. 3.5 stars
3. I tried my best to write a poem about a frosty day, but I just could not make it rime. 2.7 stars
4. I have trouble liking brass bands. They are all made up of a bunch of blowhards. 3.3 stars
5. When my wife asked me where the TV control was, I had to tell her that I did not have the remotest idea. 3.2 stars
6. I quite like skim milk, but buttermilk is whey better. 3.0 stars
7. I had to give up my job as a plumber. It was just too draining. 3.9 stars
8. Buying a new toilet was a big expense for me, so I decided to sit on it for a while. 3.6 stars
9. Charles, the future king of England, has released a book of images of cetaceans. It is called 'The Prints of Whales'. 3.1 stars
10. What is it called when musicians go on the rampage, break into stores and steal things? Luting. 2.6 stars
11. The rood - an offensive measure of land area. 1.4 stars
12. I did not know how to use the wood-smoothing tool, so had the woodworker explain it to me in plane language. 2.7 stars
13. I discovered that the mortician had buried my father in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake. 4.0 stars
14. The least honest of all the musical instruments? The lyres. 3.4 stars
15. The best mathematicians amongst the snake family: the adders. 2.9 stars
16. My hens are in cages stacked one above the other - that is why they are called layers. 2.9 stars
17. In the deli, I learnt the finer aspics of making jello salad. 2.2 stars
18. If paper could sing, would it sing in a quire? 2.9 stars
19. Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution. 3.7 stars
20. For me, the ringing of bells has appeal. 2.3 stars
21. In the Episcopalian church, erring canons cannot be defrocked - they can only be fired. 2.2 stars
22. The overweight painter could not lose weight despite years of exposure to thinners. 3.4 stars
23. I wanted to buy my wife some fancy soap, but she would not have a bar of it. 1.9 stars
24. On my chicken farm, I own the birds scratching around on the ground in the barn, but I am paying off the ones sitting on the roosts - they are on higher perches. 2.2 stars
25. I tried hard to get into vexillology, but, in the end, had to flag it away. 2.2 stars
26. Which illness are witches most prone to? Crone's disease. 2.5 stars
27. The cartoon animator felt imprisoned by his job. He could not free himself from his cel. 2.7 stars
28. How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop. 2.0 stars
29. The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl. 4.1 stars
30. The most popular operation for orthopaedic surgeons is upper-leg surgery: very hip. 3.1 stars
31. I was caught studying the periodic table in English class. It was an elementary mistake. 3.2 stars
32. I was in the linen trade, but gave it up. Too much toile. 2.7 stars
33. I got a nasty electric shock the other day, but I wasn't phased. 3.0 stars
34. I pricked my finger badly while trying to find a needle in my wife's sewing box. It was a crewel turn of events. 3.0 stars
35. Having my hair cut for free is the only fringe benefit I receive. 2.8 stars
36. I tried to get friendly with the archer's daughter, butt after he threatened to clout and nock me about, I decided to bow out. 2.3 stars
37. I saw a female deer in my rear-vision mirror. It was case of hind-sight. 2.9 stars
38. I took up teaching fencing as I wanted my students to get the point. 3.3 stars
39. During his lifetime, the composer Bach was a noted success. 3.2 stars
40. John Deere has just released its most powerful tractor yet. It is the torque of the town. 3.3 stars
41. My wife uses a kitchen implement to shred garlic and parmesan cheese, which I hate. It really is the grater of two evils. 3.3 stars