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1. The butcher asked if I wanted my meat measured in pounds or kilograms. I said either weigh would do. 3.0 stars
2. I painted half of my face like a clown today and went for a drive. I'm not sure everyone saw the funny side. 3.0 stars
3. The first carpenter to sail around the world took his screw with him. 1.6 stars
4. Today I spotted an albino dalmatian. Now everyone will be able to tell it's a dalmatian. 3.2 stars
5. I couldn't find the car window scraper this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card to clean my windows. It didn't work very well. I only got 20% off. 3.9 stars
6. I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet. 3.8 stars
7. I'm really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy. 4.0 stars
8. My horse was on the small side, so I decided to make him larger. I used a broncodilator. 2.0 stars
9. When a shipment of large fruit was delivered by boat to the warehouse, it was the first water mailin'. 2.2 stars
10. William Tell and his family used to be league bowlers - but now that the records have been lost, it is difficult to determine for whom the Tells bowled. 3.6 stars
11. I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares. 4.0 stars
12. What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? They get their masters. 4.0 stars
13. In very large sponge colonies in the ocean, there's a soaker born every minute. 2.5 stars
14. Mail order cows were first shipped by raft down the Mississippi River. They traveled on cattle logs. 3.2 stars
15. After the first hamburger press was made and became very successful, the inventor got a patty on the back. 2.7 stars
16. Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough. 3.6 stars
17. I went to my doctor and told the receptionist that I felt like a deck of cards. She said, 'Have a seat, and the doctor will deal with you when he can.' 3.3 stars
18. A friend of mine found out he has the bird flu. He thinks he was a victim of fowl plague. 3.6 stars
19. I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line. 3.9 stars
20. My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing the laundry. I replied, 'Loads.' 3.8 stars
21. Just after thimbles were invented there was a shortage, so many people got stuck without one. 3.3 stars
22. A Hall of Fame recently opened to honor outstanding female soldiers. It was a WAC's Museum. 3.6 stars
23. My neighbor just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me. 3.7 stars
24. I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there. 3.8 stars
25. The state police highway officer worked tirelessly in the heavy rain to assist a lady whose car was stuck in a ditch. He was a real trooper. 2.7 stars
26. I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up. 3.6 stars